A few weeks ago, I was in Omaha. Some friends and I went out to the local “G Bar”. We had a nice time, and ended up making some friends. We hung out, had a few drinks, and became friends. A couple of days later, we met up for Dinner. At Dinner, one of the guys began to question me about my blog. He asked why I hadn’t written in it. Then, he began quoting my first and only post. As obnoxious as he was acting: he was right. And I promised him I would mention him when I began writing again. So- you know who you are, and I thank you for reminding me- even if you were an ass about it. J
I struggled with writing in this blog for some time. Part of me felt like I should be telling funny stories, or posting fun pictures. I have both at my disposal. A larger part of me realizes that there is enough fluff in this world. This blog is an outlet for me. If no one reads it, then at least I’ll enjoy writing it, and get the most out of it. Knowing that I am being honest and real will make it more rewarding. To the one or two of you reading this, I realize that today’s post is a bit of a downer. Not every post will be sad, or serious, or this long. I’ll probably jump back in time some, then talk about more recent happenings. The funny stories will come, as well as the silly pictures. So don’t worry about that. I will just write. So, here goes…
It’s true: over 7 months ago I created a blog as a way to keep my friends informed of my tour life. I had high hopes of doing many different things for the blog, and couldn’t wait to get started. A lot has happened since then. On day one of rehearsal, my younger brother called me to say that my Nannie had passed away just minutes before. I felt like the breath had been taken out of me. We had always been close. When I was young, and things were tough at home, I knew that I could go see Nannie for the weekend, and she would make everything better. She helped my Mom when we were younger, by taking care of us while Mom busted her ass to make ends meet. Nannie and Mom were one hell of a team. I was as close to Nannie as I was to my own Mother. And now, my brother is calling to tell me that she has gone. I made the appropriate calls, and the company I worked for arranged for me to go home to be with my family. It was a tough time for me. All of these new people, all of this information to take in, and all I could think about was my Nannie, who I had just said goodbye to the day before. This was supposed to be an incredibly happy time for me. I had a hard time enjoying it.
Things were tough for a while; especially that first month. I remember waking up, rehearsing with our male swing, and our dance captain: (they had such patience). I would grab breakfast on the fly, singing through stuff on my own, and arriving for rehearsal and working as hard as I could. Then there were the fittings, and the vocal rehearsals, and the logistical details that were required for preparing for life on the road. In the evenings after rehearsal- people would gather most nights to eat, drink, and commiserate. I preferred to keep to myself in my room. After all, if I stunk it up in rehearsal, at least people couldn’t say that it was because I was partying at night. Yes, I was being as careful as I could be. I constantly felt behind. Believing whole heartedly that I was about to be canned at any moment- something that I know now to have been a complete waste of energy. Hindsight!
The next few weeks were a series of benchmarks in our progress. It was something new every day. First: designer run, then more brush ups, then our first travel day, our new hotel, our costumes, our wigs, the orchestra, previews, and at last: our opening night.
From the end of Jan through the middle of Feb. we practically lived in the Theater. These were not short days, either. And most times, we were working seven days a week, usually beginning our days at 11 or 12 noon and working until late at night.( I am proud to say that I rocked it at rehearsal on my Birthday.) Don’t get me wrong- we were treated very well. Long lunches and various breaks kept us sane. And the creative team and management staff were always extremely supportive. They had done this before, and were having fun, which allowed us to have some fun too. We worked- hard, but we were all happy to go to work. Pictures were taken, and tears were shed at the sight of our gorgeous costumes, and beautiful sets.
Even with all of this excitement, I was still having a tough time coping with what had happened. I spent most of my free time trying to forget, feeling guilty for trying to forget, then calling my family and crying…you get the idea. Things weren’t getting any easier. My confidence was pretty much depleted, and I wasn’t making many friends. I didn’t know what to do. Luckily, someone did. My company manager arranged for me to see a counselor. This counselor agreed to see me for a reduced rate, and I saw her 3 times during my time in Providence. She really understood me, and assured me that what I was going through was normal. Thank goodness for this woman. She helped me to better understand my feelings, and helped me get back on track to have a successful opening.
Shortly following my visits with this counselor, my performance improved. So did my attitude. I still deal with the loss of my Nannie on a daily basis, and she continues to influence me and my attitude every day. Each day, our loss becomes just a little easier to handle.
Nannie would have turned 70 on July 3rd.
I love her, and take comfort in knowing that she is much happier where she is now.
Happy Birthday Nannie!
